Director: Tom Six
Starring: You don't care. You really don't.
You know those long meetings you have where half way through
you realize that the whole thing could have been done in an email? That would
be pretty much what I felt with The Human Centipede 3. On hitting the play button,
Netflix should have just sent an email from director Tom Six saying “So yeah,
the first movie totally could have happened. I checked.” There you go. I saved
you an hour and 42 minutes. You’re welcome. Go watch something else.
I watched Human Centipede 3 because I’m a completionist and
the idea is so twisted that I’m curious of the directions it can be taken in. If
you want to see what I thought of the previous one, go here. This one is hailed
as the “Final Sequence” so I had to say “after how crazy and ridiculous the
second one was, where could they take this last one?” #ThatsHowTheyGetYou I’m struggling because I’m not sure what this
was supposed to be. I don’t know if it was supposed to be scary…or…sick…or…funny…or…released.
It had all the makings of a porn parody about the movies (without any porn),
and I still feel that porn writers would have been a little truer to the genre.
This just made no sense and seemed to only exist as another way to pretend that
movie characters are real!
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| I swear there is a resemblance here. |
On the plus side, I can be thankful that not a single part
of this film is going to stick with me. The first movie was just a twisted
premise. The second movie was a disturbing and grotesque glorification of that
twisted premise. The third movie just seemed like a desperate reminder that Tom
Six…the great Tom Six…was the guy behind that twisted premise you all freaked
about years ago, like a Family Guy “Like that time when…” flashback but the
joke took an entire fucking movie to get through. M. Night Shyamalan is the only other director that dickish but he at least commits to his damn stories. I remember why I fucking hated The Village. There's nothing to remember here.
Human Centipede 3 takes place inside the walls of a big state prison where an insane warden (played by the villain from the first film) and
his bumbling accountant (played by the villain from the second film) are in the
midst of a budget crisis. I think (budget never actually seems to be a problem as guards and hospital staff pop up like video game sprites). Or they pissed off the Governor. Or…I don’t
actually know. There’s a prison with dudes there. All-American-German-Nazi
warden William Boss hates his job…or people…or the heat or…he hates something
and has a knack for taking it out on the fresh air by screaming into it
constantly. Disrespected by the prison inmates, he keeps trying to find
demented ways to force that respect but finally gives up after he discovers that
castration isn’t doing the job and that was as sick as he could go. Maybe he should watch the Human Centipede movie like they did in Human Centipede 2.
Ha. Bet you didn't see this one coming...
Enter
bumbling account who breaks the 4th wall and says “we should totally model our
solution to our problem by building a human centipede like we saw in those
movies that Tom Six, the great Tom Six, directed.” The movie goes so far as to
have Tom Six (the great Tom Six…) have a cameo to explain to the warden that
yes…it’s a 100% medically accurate procedure…he checked with some guy in
Amsterdam. He brought pictures.
They looked right. And Tom Six (the great Tom Six…) is so excited to be able to
show the world and his skeptics that this is totally doable. Could somebody just
fucking believe him so we can move on?
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| See? It works. HumanCentipedia.com said so. |
Breaking the 4th wall is tricky, but can be done
well (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Amelie, Spaceballs, American Psycho, etc.). I
actually thought Human Centipede 2 was quite clever in breaking the 4th
wall in using the first movie to justify the second one. But to do it AGAIN
using the second movie also is basically crying wolf and turns the entire series
into an ACTUAL joke instead of the one we called it when it was really trying. I
wouldn’t be surprised 10 years down the road to see Human Centipede 4: Milking
It Sequence when a bunch of kids desperately trying to get their hands on a
(now, surely rare OOP) copy of the first film are forced to recreate the human
centipede themselves because damn it, they’re just jonesin’ for that sweet,
sweet plot line and this is the only way to satisfy that craving.
I can’t begin to describe how much of a waste this was. This
movie was filled with unintelligible dialogue (it literally was half the movie screaming
at nothing. Not out of fear, but just out of…hope that some sound might resemble
English), C-list actors who I think were just desperate to be a part of
something again, lazy cinematography like all they brought on set was the
50-200mm lens and figured that’d be fine, and absolutely no care to make things
scary or gross as if Tom Six expected that “punchline” from 2009 to hold up
just as well now ("What's scarier than a 3-person centipede?""I don't know. What?" "A 140-person centipede! Wakka wakka wakka!"). Human Centipede 3 isn’t just an embarrassment on its own, it embarrasses
an entire series that at least had some notoriety attached to it, despite for a
rather pathetic reason.
 |
| Spoiled the movie. I'm really not sorry. |
However, all this bullshit aside, it has one good thing
going for it. It’s really easy to rate a movie that basically tossed itself in
the microwave. Don’t even be curious about this one guys. I’ll spoil it for you. You get a human
centipede. Just assume it works. Just be ok with that.
1 microwave out of 1 and once again, I encourage Tom Six
(the great Tom Six…) to live by THIS movie’s example to get locked up in a desert prison, chop his balls off, swallow a jar of clits, eat shit and THEN die.
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