I’m going to try to be tactful here, but if there’s anything that I learned recently it’s that I really suck at being tactful. But here goes: ...what the fuck was that stagnant mess? Oh well, so much for tact, my apologies, movie, but if you were looking for sugar-coated happy feedback in your unrated version, you really should have put more boobs in it, instead of more bad sex jokes that the critics never got the chance to throw up at. So huzzah, here’s Role Models, starring Seann William Scott and Paul Rudd doing what they do best by trying to convince the world that their brains have aged beyond the age of 12, using the fact that their balls have dropped like the sinking of the Titanic (probably not the classiest metaphor) as their only evidence. Look, I know that Wedding Crashers revitalized the Rated-R sex comedy genre, but the reason it was respectable was because it was actually a good movie not because it was a sex comedy. Before that we just had American Pie which was only considered good because of provocativeness of Mr. Dick-in-a-Pie.
Now, IMDB has this rated at a 7.0, probably voted on by all the horny teenage boys who wanted to find out the other movies that the one girl who did show her tits has been in, but for me a superbad movie that tries to make every aspect of life some pre-pubescent sex joke obviously written by people who only dream of sex and have never actually had it will receive no such treatment. This movie wasn’t funny at all and its jokes were tired and stale, pulling from all the other “Dynamic Duo” sex adventures that are reminiscent of a Bill and Ted movie but with more mainstream* actors and penises everywhere. Like all of this genre, it just tried too hard to get laugh, for some reason banking on the idea that none of the audience has ever seen a movie like this before…when in fact that’s all their audience ever watches (unless you’re a moron who buys it for $2 at Ultimate Electronics and then forces himself via a blog to watch it).
Role Models tells the story of Wheeler and Danny (take a guess who Seann “Stiffler” Scott plays) as two guys who serve as spokesmen for Minotaur energy drinks because nobody did their research to find out that it’s hot women that usually promote energy drinks, not camera-friendly pedophiles. After losing his girlfriend for…some reason, Danny goes on a rampage at a school he’s speaking at where parenting is apparently frowned upon and as punishment, as the most logical explanation would dictate when you terrorize a school, he and Wheeler must spend the next 30 days as grown-up friends for children in need of father figures. Because these kids are around the age of 12, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Seann-William-Scott, find a way to bond with them and enrich their own lives in the process by validating that their shitty way of thinking actually has a place in this world (when talking to 12 year olds).
I’m all for movies whose premises don’t make any sense (Imaginarium, anyone?), but not if they have a very blatant disconnect with reality. Hell, Junior had more care and logic behind it because they at least blamed a fertility research project for Ah-nold getting pregnant; this one just ignored the rules of society, but still tried to tell itself that it belonged. It was slightly uncomfortable to watch and I just sat there thinking “my God, someone who makes more than I do actually thought this was feasible.”
With limp, shriveled up humor and an obnoxiously bad concept glued to poor actors or good actors in now painfully type-cast roles, Role Models jerks out 4 dustbusters out of 10 mostly because I didn’t have to pause the fucking movie to deal with a gag reflex induced by way out of bounds humor. Perhaps it’s use of sex without forceful nudity made me ooze out a little respect for it…but lord knows it’s not one I’m going to look back on ever and say “there were some good moments there.”