Monday, November 21, 2011

Episode 56.5 - The Peacemaker Review 6/10

The Peacemaker - 1997 - Mimi Leder

So on the front of the box for The Peacemaker it boasts that some moron from The New York Times claimed that this movie was “a breathless thriller,” when it really should have said “a lifeless kind-of thriller…ish.” I can’t help but feel like the final scene in this movie was earlier than what we actually, but because DreamWorks Pictures wanted to get the most out of, then insanely popular, George Clooney, they just took what was designed as a crappy “extended ending” special feature, threw some Bet-You-Didn’t-See-That-Coming™ Brand Plot-Tape on the beginning of it and slapped it onto the end of what was still a yawn…but a significantly shorter yawn and therefore would have taken less time to recover from.

The concept is very basic and…24­-ish. Terrorists steal a bunch of nuclear weapons off a train in Russia because nobody really felt it that important to keep a decent eye on them. Using probably one of the worst stealth tactics ever devised ever ever ever, they crash the train and explode a nuke on it 4 minutes later which alerts the U.S. Government, because Russia is too busy not keeping an eye on their nuclear weapons, and springs them into action to recover the nukes before they’re used again which is done by using satellite for…pretty much everything except for one interrogation that is more of a comedy show piece than anything else. Then someone decides to try and blow up the UN in New York because…there was left-over Plot-Tape.

The trailer for this movie made it seem like there was actually some depth and a villain that should be feared and it was going to be one of those true race against time, never know what’s going to happen, heart-pounding thrillers that makes you say “holy shit, that was close” as your Coke gets flat because you’re too intently focused on the action to do anything else. But that’s why people get paid big bucks to make trailers. There’s a big difference between “false advertising” and “exaggerated advertising” and The Peacemaker was very disappointing based on what I was expecting out of it.

Clooney and Kidman don’t work together. That’s just gotta not happen again; I swear it’s like the banter between the two was a table read while everyone in the background was just doing the dress rehearsal. Plus side is, unlike The Wedding Date, the two didn’t find out that they were in love with each other because they both endured an uncomfortable situation. Personally, I wish I was watching this with a girl because maybe we would have found out we were in love with each other because we both endured this uncomfortable situation. It just didn’t have chemistry, the characters, the story; it was a snooze-fest where the sense of urgency was as natural as someone saying “you should probably get on that” and everyone else saying “ok” and then running off before a line formed at the bathroom.

I’m sorry, the whole “nuclear disaster” plot-line is tired on its own, and it was back then also, but the only twists that this movie could come up with were “oh shit, another nuclear disaster could happen somewhere else!” Humor me, guys? And where was the villain that you mentioned who didn’t have any demands and was this insanely dangerous guy who we should be terrified of because he’s doing everything for his own personal beliefs? When does he start mattering? Story integration would have been nice. This was a bit…a lot linear, like a children’s story that goes “Once upon a time a bunch of guys stole some nuclear weapons and other people wanted to find them which they did. The E…oh and a really bad man took a trip to New York City! It didn’t last long. The End.”

Blah, I was bored. But I’m taking it in stride. It’s not like it was painfully, gut-wrenchingly bad…just…lazy. Laziness gets a 6 dustbusters out of 10. It probably should be a 4. But I’m lazy.

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