It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie done so half-assed that even the credits seemed like they were hesitant to say that those people actually WORKED on the film, but here’s Repo Men, a movie with an amazing concept that just decided to up and call it a day as soon as they hired Jude Law because his sheer presence fixes everything (see Alfie...ah, fuck.). It focuses around a prosperous company that repossesses organs through methods that are never once questioned by the police or anyone with a general sense of morality yet still millions flock to their wares without care of the re-percussions. What is this, some crack against Wal-Mart? That follows plenty of logic, as long as the backstory says “Once upon a time, everyone’s conscience decided collectively to say ‘fuck this’ and they all hopped out of people brains so they could begin torturing the population by making chirping noises in building columns and scriptwriting meetings,” but for sake of argument let’s just assume all these plot holes were filled in a prequel that hasn’t been shot yet.
Repo Men tries to pass itself off as an action thriller and fails at both because Remy and Jake (Jude Law and Forrest Whitaker) simply walk into rooms and shoot people while everyone else is too busy showing off how amazing they are with a scimitar, but during a routine pickup, Remy gets zapped by faulty equipment and is forced to have his heart replaced with a top of the line model put in by the company he works for. Left with the choice of “you can pay for the heart or we can take it out and kill you,” Remy finds himself unable to make payments and becomes a target of the same repo men he works for because apparently Workman’s Comp doesn’t exist and nobody feels the urge to file a lawsuit for when shoddy equipment stops your fucking heart from beating. Now on the run, a la shittier Minority Report, Remy must go up against his bestest buddy in the whole wide world and find a way to clear his name from the company’s records so he can skip out on paying his bill and…because he’s in the room, he might as well fuck up the entire company in the process.
I struggled a lot to find this film entertaining because nothing about it was done above the level of subpar. There’s a love interest that’s thrown in there because that’s what one of the chapters of “Plot Development for Dummies” is named, the relationship between Remy and Jake is wonderfully deep and heartfelt up until the point where Remy becomes a target and then the loyalty holds up about as much as if he won the lottery and didn’t want to share, but then, all of a sudden the movie says “well that was stupid, let’s have them kiss and make up.” The action consisted of…running and having everyone shoot high powered stun-guns at each other because blood effects are too expensive, and as far as the thriller aspect of it? As long as you don’t really question anything, sure, you can maybe get a rush out of it, and trust me, Repo Men does plenty to steer you away from the kinds of questions that rock this foundation to its core, but if your brain was replaced with the “Suckmaster 3000 Series” I guess it wouldn’t really be that much of an issue.
With shitty character development, a shittier plot, no thought process at all on what might actually happen in a scenario like this if they stuck to the basic rules of society, I think it’s safe to say this film was only really done half way. Or perhaps, everyone a part of it only had half a brain (see “The Rule of Multiples” from the Monster-In-Law review). Because of that, I am only going to give this movie half credit. A measly 5/10 dustbusters. If it really wants to, it can implant the other 5 on its own, but you bet your ass I will come to fucking collect. As far as I’m concerned, I need to repossess two hours of my life back.